📸 cred: https://harleyjayphotography.com I wrote this for an Instagram post for a ministry called Freedom Movement September 2018. It was interesting having only a certain number of letters allowed to fit in the post. I could’ve written many more words … Continue reading
So, we have been back on the foster placement list since after Thanksgiving. It took a lot to work up to the moment when we said yes again but now surprisingly we haven’t had one call since then and here we are in 2018. The extra room became Santas workshop during the holidays, and as a result got a little trashed. The other day I went to work in there cleaning up and preparing for the ever present reality of a seventh entering our home at any time. Put all the Christmas wrapping paper away, swept it, tidied up, and then I noticed it. I noticed that in the laundry basket there was one last load of laundry from Little Miss Mercy. Then I looked on the dresser where I’ve kept all of her things that we found, all of her our projects that got handed to me, and her photo book that I made all in the hopes that I would see her again. That we would get to stay in her life. I took a big breath in, a breath of I’ve got you girl, my ways are higher than your ways. I scooped up all of her special stuff that I’ve been saving for the past four months and put it into the top shelf of the closet. I grab the laundry basket and washed her clothes as quick as I could, but not before I sniffed her sheets to see if I could smell one last lingering memory of her. My younger kids will say all the time that they can smell her. I wanted to see if I could too. But I sniffed and sniffed, like a weirdo, and it was gone. I pulled it out of the dryer yesterday. Maybe it was the fact that her mom let me talk to her last Friday for the first time in 4 months, maybe it’s the fact that it’s a new year, or maybe because I was encouraging myself with my letter board message (haha), but in these moments I felt strong. I felt ready for Love. Yes, a sting of pain but the hope that comes from trusting in the one that loves me.
I folded those sweet memories and put them in that empty room ready to make more. As ready as I can to face the next adventure knowing that all of our past placements are in His hands just as much as we are. And that’s the best place we can be!
“Because you are my helper, I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings.” Psalms 63:7
One year ago I got a call about a 21 month old baby girl that needed to be moved from her current foster home. After about 1 minute I knew that she needed to be in my arms. In my … Continue reading
Empty bed, full heart.
Moving forward is hard. But that’s our job. Our job as a foster home is to create a stable loving home that feels like family. That’s what we did. The pain is the proof of that. Words can’t explain what my heart feels like. If you have seen a foster child leave your home you can understand. The pain that I feel is a mixture of pride for a job well done and pain with the loss. The job of loving her well has not been on my and Matts shoulders alone. My sons have shown unconditional love to a hurting little person who has pulled their hair, slapped and punched them, bit them, spit at them, rejected their hugs and kisses and screamed at them. Their resilience and commitment to loving her (and even moving forward to take another placement) shows me so much of what love is. They have reaped the reward as she has learned what love is and reciprocated those kisses, hugs, and I love you’s. They have watched a fighter turn into one who knows love and stability too. If you’ve seen them talk her down from a fit you would know how much they have stolen her heart. Reminding her to take a deep breath to calm herself, reasoning with her, giving her two appropriate choices, telling her they love her forever. I’m so proud of them. My extended family loving her so hard and showing so much grace. My entire church and community close and far, stepping in to shower her with gifts and hand me downs, the offers of babysitting, dinners, and especially the tears, concern, encouragement, and prayers. Thank you all. Job well done. But today I grieve.
For the past almost year I have documented, observed, watched, shared, every detail of this person’s life and now I have no idea how she’s doing. I have no idea what her room looks like or what she ate. I have no idea if she’s crying for me, her dad, or her brothers. I have no idea where she’s going to go to school. Basically I have spent so much time energy, money, thought, heart, loved and fed and loved and held, like I’m supposed to, and now it’s just supposed to end. It’s really strange. Being that I have four boys, it’s also hard to gauge how they’re feeling. I’m sure I will see some behavior issues and the next months with my little guys as a result of their heart not being able to communicate in words how much they miss her besides the occasional, “I wish G___ was still here.” And just when we get that settled down we will probably be ready to introduce a new adventure to our house.
As I drove away with my precious little thing crying for mama dada, my heart shattered into 1 million pieces but I had to stay strong, at least a little strong, for the other four kids in my car. Strong but vulnerable so they can see the loss but feel secure. The four kids that are my forever kids. The four kids that no one can take from me. One of my wise children at age 7 said that Faith is trusting. Today I find that so true. Today I have to have faith that there is a bigger plan from a good Father that I can’t see. A plan that includes her not living with me but still thriving. I pray that this plan includes me being a part of her life as Auntie Mama. A plan where she is a game changer, a voice, and an advocate in a place that I can’t reach. A plan so much bigger than what my heart can see. This is Faith. Thanks for lending your heart to journey with us. Well done and my heart is full from a heart of love. Love that cost me something.
Jeremiah 29:11 MSG I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
The whole Starlight Bethel Album has really been so good for me but this song keeps tearing up my heart.
I’ve got that feeling tonight… the feeling when you are so tired but you don’t want to sleep because you dread what waking up means. It means tomorrow is a fun Blessing Party for missy miss but also it means I have only 2 more days with me as her mama. I hoping I will change to Auntie and by that I mean stay in her life forever. Tonight we told her she’d be sleeping somewhere else in a couple days. She asked if #browneyedbabyj would sleep there too, I told her no. Then she told me #levibrealitytv no sleep there. She told me a funny story about how dad told her that she needed to sleep in her bed not somewhere else. I told her it was the judge boss who decided, not us and that I wanted to keep her forever but that her relative really wanted her to sleep at her house now too. That the boss said she has to.
She didn’t talk after that. The lights were out after that and as I rocked her she wrapped her arms around me so tight and still until I could feel her silently crying. Then she grabbed my face and wiped my tears and fell asleep. It’s almost like she’s done this before and kinda understands. So young and so much ahead happened in her short life. It hurts.
I finished her huge photo album tonight but left out so much I wanted to say and 1,000 pictures I couldn’t fit. Finishing it made it seem so final. Marking termination of placement on a form felt so surreal. Picturing the future all I can see is her. She’s a fighter and has a bold voice. She has a servants heart and seeks justice. We’ll never be the same but I know we’ll be ok. Hope lives inside us. It lives in her now and it lives in me. Adventure awaits for both of us.
#fosteringishard #fostercare #fosterlove #fosterlife #lilmissmercy #loveyousomuch
So it’s been almost 7 months. We have really watched a baby blossom into a preschooler. She talks so much, has very strong opinions, and really wants to learn. By that I mean every positive and negative thing that she sees around her. So basically she’s a 2 year old. We have our ups and we have our downs. We have days that are fun and days that aren’t so fun. Lot’s of laughter and joy to tantrums, tears, and time outs. So basically she’s a 2 year old. She asks for food and throws half on the floor. She empty’s her cup onto her tray and then complements me on my smoothie skills the next. So what I’m saying here is she’s a 2 year old and having a two year old is hard work. Adding all the other complexities to that is not for the faint of heart. Sometimes I feel like the faint of heart and in that moment is when I am the most strong and really relying on the Lord to strengthen me and get me through. Also, it IS for the person with a love and compassionate in their heart. That part is easy most of the time and there is so much reward with the extra joy and life that Miss Mercy brings to our lives. All that to say she is such a part of our hearts and lives.
Tomorrow is another attempt to resolve something in her case. Please pray with us for the judge to have eyes to see, wisdom, and mercy ready to dispense to our littlest member of the family. The song my sister posted on FB today is such the song I’ve been going to through this wild ride.