My eyes.

These are the eyes of crying myself to sleep from a heart that literally hurts with pain. Today I can't hold in my tears either. Say tears or cry and watch out. I'm crying over summer ending and then remembering that my tears are really a mixture of my kids growing up and knowing that when summer ends #lilmissmercy is leaving my home, maybe even as early as Tuesday. Foster care is being the home, heart, hands, kisses, correction, comfort, cook, nurse, brothers, dada, mama, and protector but loving hard means hurting hard. We aren't mad at anybody but the system who has let it drag out so long. She's a ball of cute and fire. She's a tornado and loves to serve. She a lot of work and patience but I love her. We all do. I understand her language. She pushes the limits and comes back because of almost a year of trust and love.

But today I'm sad and have to keep pulling myself back into the present moment to enjoy my 5 Tribe's last day of summer and reminding myself that being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

Clinging to these.

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. Proverbs 31:25

They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Psalm 112:7

Today I'm her mom and she's my daughter.

To Every Season Turn, Turn

As my #browneyedbabyj approaches 4.5 years, I watch him moving away from baby and into little boy. The feeling of excitement, pride, and relief even gets swirled with loss of a season. A time when all my boys are little and they are happy with simple. When graham crackers make the afternoon amazing or a smoothie makes everyone happy. The games change, the music requests change, the speech immaturities resolve. Bruder turns to brother, wewwy turns to really and ate it all gone turns to finished. I’m sitting at the DMV watching all these parents sit with their nervous kids taking their behind the wheel and I know my time is coming soon to be sitting in one of these hard blue chairs with my oldest boy. One of my friends posted a pic of her oldest playing around with his sisters 2 weeks before he leaves for college. Makes me misty eyed and faklempt. 

But isn’t this what we all want as parents? We want to see our children growing up and maturing. We want to see their independence. This IS what I strive for as a parent but along the way I grieve the loss as I watch the moments slip away- like the tiny shell he lost at the beach the other day. It’s gone but we found and new one. It wasn’t the same but it was a little bigger and just as beautiful. I guess that’s what I’m feeling in my spirit as I watch my kids get their wings and fly a little. Some are flying further out and some are still close but the knowledge that they will all be soon flying on their own helps me to cherish the crazy times now. Deep breath. This season that seem never ending; rewarding but all encompassing. Sweet. Sticky. Close. Dirty. Kisses. I’m excited for my future as a mom but for today I’m feeling super blessed to have all these little people under my wings. 

“May our sons flourish in their youth like well-nurtured plants. May our daughters be like graceful pillars, carved to beautify a palace.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭144:12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Go love your season!

Do you know what your doing in motherhood?

“If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.”‭‭James‬ ‭1:5-8‬ ‭MSG‬‬

This really hit me this morning. I am so glad that I have a plan when I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing! Two weeks ago a couple besties and I had nice cry sesh over a text thread about somethings going on and how we had no idea what we were doing. And the constant questioning whether or not we are failing our children. We were all encouraging eachother in the fact that we are all just trying our best, that we don’t know what we are doing, it’s hard, and that the Lord has enough grace to bless our strengths and cover our shortcomings. 

Last week I had a hilarious and so nourishing vent/comedy hour with some of my sisters and mom after a meeting at church. It had been a trying day and the weather was so hot making anything hard harder. As we stood out there in the cool air of the night we all confessed hilarious laugh/crying moments from the day or just motherhood. As we stood out there showing our worst, we all felt so great as we walked away knowing that we are okay, we aren’t failing, and we aren’t the only ones. As I thought about it that’s reason that I started this blog. My life has gone in a different direction by adding foster kids to it so time for this blog has not been possible but my heart for this connection is still there. I know there’s plenty of mom blogs out there but it’s so nice to have a channel to express myself. So I’d like to open up the invitation again to any moms having a laugh it or leave it thoughts to share, victories or disasters, Pinterest fails and DIY domination, whatever it it stirring your heart. 

Remember we have someone we can go it when we don’t know what we are doing and your doing a great job!

Court again this morning

It’s been 8.5 months with Lil Miss in our home. She is really settling into life here. The last few months have have not been easy by any means but they’ve been great. We’ve see so much growth and so much love has been deposited into her heart. 

Prayers please for this morning’s 5th dispo and jurisdiction hearing attempt. Praying mercy for her future. Wisdom for the judge etc. What we all pray every time. It’s my first time going to court and I’m going solo. Prayers to trust in the sovereignty of our Father and my nerves to be calm/ casual. Thank you. 

“He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭37:6‬ 

Another Day, Another Try at Court

So it’s been almost 7 months. We have really watched a baby blossom into a preschooler. She talks so much, has very strong opinions, and really wants to learn. By that I mean every positive and negative thing that she sees around her. So basically she’s a  2 year old. We have our ups and we have our downs.  We have days that are fun and days that aren’t so fun. Lot’s of laughter and joy to tantrums, tears, and time outs. So basically she’s a 2 year old. She asks for food and throws half on the floor. She empty’s her cup onto her tray and then complements me on my smoothie skills the next. So what I’m saying here is she’s a 2 year old and having a two year old is hard work. Adding all the other complexities to that is not for the faint of heart. Sometimes I feel like the faint of heart and in that moment is when I am the most strong and really relying on the Lord to strengthen me and get me through. Also, it IS for the person with a love and compassionate in their heart. That part is easy most of the time and there is so much reward with the extra joy and life that Miss Mercy brings to our lives. All that to say she is such a part of our hearts and lives.

Tomorrow is another attempt to resolve something in her case. Please pray with us for the judge to have eyes to see, wisdom, and mercy ready to dispense to our littlest member of the family. The song my sister posted on FB today is such the song I’ve been going to through this wild ride. img_6243


Sometimes it’s hard

The hubs said that my blogs start with downer stories but I’m just being real people. But sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it’s hard to just get out of bed bc it’s early and everyone is sleeping. Sometimes it’s hard to get a shower so you feel human. Sometimes it’s hard to get the dishes done so that it doesn’t look like a cafeteria with nobody working. Sometimes it’s hard have motivation to put away the laundry or even wash it. Sometimes it’s hard to be consistent with the little ones when all you want to do is look away and pretend you didn’t see whatever they did. Sometimes it’s hard to drive to a visit knowing how it will be. Sometimes it’s hard to make all the appointments knowing that I’ll be driving 2 little kids all day. Sometimes it’s hard to not think about how life was before we opened our house-fantasizing how easy it was. But that’s all that was just a fantasy because it was never easy. Sometimes it’s hard to think what will happen if she leaves our home. Sometimes it’s hard just to make it through the day with any patience left. Sometimes it’s hard to have anything left for my hubs or meetings at the end of the day. Sometimes it’s hard to do personal or spiritual growth because I’m so busy or just tired. Sometimes it’s hard to love! Sometimes it’s hard to think of others. Sometimes it’s hard to clean at the same mess you’ve already cleaned up three times in one day. Sometimes it’s hard to know if I’m doing all this well or messing it up. Sometimes just it’s hard period!

So I heard this song today it spoke to my heart to keep fighting. Keep fighting for what is right, for what is true, for love. I want to be fearless in my love for Christ and the knowledge that it IS splashing over to others. I want to be fearless and pushing away the lies they tell me that I’m not good enough, that I will fail my kids or hubs. I want to be fearless in my daily surrender. 

Anyway, I guess I am already fearless. I’m guessing you are too. When I choose peace in the midst of chaos, I am fearless. When we purposely walked our family into Foster Love knowing it would be hard and it would be messy and it would hurt – we are fearless. When I choose joy in the midst of stress I am fearless. When I suck it up, make a healthy dinner for my family and clean it up, I am fearless. When I brave the parking lot to try to get a parking space 1 minute before the kids get out of school, I am fearless (ok I’m joking about this one). When I make a new friend when I’m actually almost too tired to talk, I am fearless. When I stand up for all my kids, I’m fearless. When I pray over each of my children at night for protection, guidance, wisdom I am fearless!  I carry the love of the ultimate Father and He is love. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love cast out fear…” 1 John 4:18a 

It’s time for me and you to own this. I am Fearless because the creator of all of this my friend, my Father, and my comforter. I’m not sure what you believe, you’re entitled to your own opinion but that knowledge is what makes me fearless. “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭31:25‬ ‭NLT‬

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