One year ago I got a call about a 21 month old baby girl that needed to be moved from her current foster home. After about 1 minute I knew that she needed to be in my arms. In my home. Loved by my boys and hubs. In my community and church. I said 99% yes and then I called the hubs and he said yes. The next day we met our little fireball. Now here we are almost a month of not having those arms around my neck and all I have are love, memories, and pictures.
“You can’t choose your season but you can choose your song. It’s time to turn the page and fight the right fight.” – Carl Lentz
For 11 months I fought for her. I fought to get her into doctors, to get her into activities, and to have visits be safe. I fought to get her into school, to have her eating right, to have her voice heard. I fought with her over getting dressed, brushing teeth, getting buckled, or over being mean. I fought to have her in a safe home. But all of a sudden my fight is over and now what?
Some days are great, but some days have a gray cloud hanging over my head. I’m sure this is normal but I’m not a fan. That butterfly stomach, that 150lb weight on my shoulders, that unsettled feeling that I can’t put my finger on. The feeling that I’m forgetting someone when we leave the house or when I grab out 5 kids plates and need to put one back. Remembering the look on her face when we had to leave her. Her little voice screaming Mama, Dada. The way my heart felt shattered, they way it sneaks up on me and reminds me of the loss. Hearing my kids talk about missing her. Hearing my husband say he never wants to leave another child in the parking lot with a stranger to us. Most people don’t understand the foster system, so people constantly ask us oh did you adopt her? Where is she? They don’t realize all that goes on and how that’s not the main reason for foster care. My head always knew this all along but my mama’s lion heart (thanks Naomi) had a hard time remembering too. I have thoughts self-centered thoughts like will she remember me? Will she remember how much I loved her? Will she remember how much we wanted her? Will she understand we didn’t want her to leave? The panic questions like will she stay on the right path? Will she be safe? Will she grow up to be the woman I know she can be? There is nothing truely wrong with these questions but the problem is that none of them can be answered and therefore bring unrest instead of peace. Did I choose this season of pain? No, but I can choose my song.
I watched a powerful sermon by Carl Lentz at the LA Heaven Come conference that reminded me of somethings.
It was our story with her but now it’s her story. Now it’s a journey of faith and trust for us. The bottom line is it’s our obedience. I did my part to be the change in her life that she needed. Whether or not she remembers us, she knows who we are, or she knows the love and sacrifice that we gave her that’s not even the point. We were obedient to take her when she needed us to. When they called me one year ago, October 5, 2016, I didn’t know for how long but I knew that she was meant for us. Having fear or stress over this isn’t bringing me hope, love, peace, joy. So, although it’s VERY hard on my heart I am choosing my song and turning the page. Today my song is joy, thankfulness for being her mama. My song is trusting God that he has her heart too. My song is Hope. Hope that I will see her but even if I don’t her story is her own and we were there. We may just be a small part in her past and that’s ok. It’s not comfy but it’s ok and my page is turned. I might still cry my eyes out but I’m ok and she will be too. Nothing is going to slow me down from fighting the fight that is for me. It’s not to bring her back home to me but my new fight is to fight in prayer for protection and blessing over her. And my story is the song I sing through the pain.
Hebrews 12:1-5 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.