Question Marks

I thought we’d update ya’ll about where we are at. Our two super smiley gals may be leaving us tomorrow, this week, or not… court is tomorrow and then we’ll know more. This is much quicker than we thought but although it’s been super crazy having 6 kids, it’s been a blessing. The girls are so sweet and have really adjusted well.

That has made this journey much easier. We love them and feel blessed to care for them during this transition for them. Thanks for the outpouring of support, love, food, clothes prayers, etc. It has been so huge in being able to do this. P.S. 6 is a lot of kids.

Marry A Rockstar

If you decide to get married, be choosy and marry a rockstar like I did. You may find yourself in a situation where you are helpless and if that person is amazing it will be easier.

Someday you may get the flu a day after you decide to welcome two sweet babies into your house, making 6 under 13. You might be laid out with 102 fever and be quarantined for days while he handles it all with the heart of Christ, the strength of The Hulk, and the ease of a rockstar. He will do breakfast, lunch and dinner. He will do nap times, bedtimes, and sleep on the couch. He will sing and dance. Read bible stories, wipe noses, antibiotics, and fly them to bed. Brush teeth and change diapers. Tuck ins, rocking, and then serving you like a trained nurse! The patience of a saint and the perseverance of a champion. I’m not kidding ya’ll! The boys & girls are doing well and he is the reason why. Thank you hubs. You are the best.

Thank you, thank you for the clothes & Baby stuff donations, lunch, diapers, coffee, get well groceries, dinner feasts, help with bath time, soup deliveries, babysitting, and dishwasher running dear friends/family. This has supported him and us more than you know.

Barf Badge

You get a badge if you are in Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Campfire Girls, Awana, or if you were brave in a real war. I feel like my motherhood has just reach a new place where I should get one of those badges of honor. Needless to say, our evening and day definitely didn’t go as planned. There was throwing up from 9:30pm- 11am. 5/6 family members barfing but I wasn’t one of them. It seems like a total miracle. I’m still on eggshells waiting to be the next victim. I was out of bed about 25 times. The hubs and the littlest got it the worst. The older 3 came at 5:00am, 6:00, and 6:45. The 5:00am barf was in his bed. He later told me that he purposely barfed in one spot so I “it would be easier for me to clean up.” Oh my gosh, so hilariously thoughtful from that 6 year old. The 6am was all over the floor between his room and the toilet. It went so far that I was cleaning up under a door to a closet. Wow. At that point I gave my 10 year old a bowl and I’m glad I did. Epic night with less sleep than any newborn disaster night I’ve experienced. It truthfully could have been worst.

On Tuesdays I get special time before I head off to the church staff meeting. The hubs takes all the kids to school and I get to have alone time to get ready as long as I want, spend time with the Lord, and even pluck my eyebrows. Some may read this and either think I’m being dramatic or be totally jealous. Haha. Anyhow, at 1:30am on the bathroom floor with my youngest and I was trying to not to think about how that special time was ruined. I was momentarily bummed, I look forward to the time all week, but then really grasped the honor of what I was doing. Sitting there on the cold floor holding my precious boy, I realized I was in the perfect spot. Sure my bed sounded much more cozy but the honor to hold him, comfort him, and clean him up took on a spiritual dimension. I got a glimpse of what I got to be for him in that moment. I got to be what I’ve always wanted to be and sometimes forget. Although he may not remember me being a human chair or carrying him and his barf bowl back to bed, he will remember what I carry as a mom. I have given him a love that nobody can take. I have given him comfort that he can carry with him and a deep sense of importance that I know he’ll give to others around him. I took him back to bed and as I tucked him and the Tupperware salad spinner into bed he looked at me and gave me everything back, “I love you mama.” I love you too, baby. That’s the badge I needed and nobody can take that away from me.

Shout out to my girl Auntie J, who brought these sickie staples to add to our sprite, graham crackers and bone broth. Love you!

Laundry

So, we have been back on the foster placement list since after Thanksgiving. It took a lot to work up to the moment when we said yes again but now surprisingly we haven’t had one call since then and here we are in 2018. The extra room became Santas workshop during the holidays, and as a result got a little trashed. The other day I went to work in there cleaning up and preparing for the ever present reality of a seventh entering our home at any time. Put all the Christmas wrapping paper away, swept it, tidied up, and then I noticed it. I noticed that in the laundry basket there was one last load of laundry from Little Miss Mercy. Then I looked on the dresser where I’ve kept all of her things that we found, all of her our projects that got handed to me, and her photo book that I made all in the hopes that I would see her again. That we would get to stay in her life. I took a big breath in, a breath of I’ve got you girl, my ways are higher than your ways. I scooped up all of her special stuff that I’ve been saving for the past four months and put it into the top shelf of the closet. I grab the laundry basket and washed her clothes as quick as I could, but not before I sniffed her sheets to see if I could smell one last lingering memory of her. My younger kids will say all the time that they can smell her. I wanted to see if I could too. But I sniffed and sniffed, like a weirdo, and it was gone. I pulled it out of the dryer yesterday. Maybe it was the fact that her mom let me talk to her last Friday for the first time in 4 months, maybe it’s the fact that it’s a new year, or maybe because I was encouraging myself with my letter board message (haha), but in these moments I felt strong. I felt ready for Love. Yes, a sting of pain but the hope that comes from trusting in the one that loves me.

I folded those sweet memories and put them in that empty room ready to make more. As ready as I can to face the next adventure knowing that all of our past placements are in His hands just as much as we are. And that’s the best place we can be!

“Because you are my helper, I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings.” Psalms‬ ‭63:7‬

Disappointment

Once I heard that disappointment takes you off of what your appointed to do. And when I heard that really impacted my thought process. We have a goal or a dream, that is our appointment. Once we experience something that is contrary to the way that we thought was going to go disappointment sets in. We can either keep going forward where we feel that we are called or we can get stuck looking back at how it didn’t work. What I’ve been coming to realize is it’s what we do with that that matters. We have not seen or heard from her a little foster daughter since the first week that she left. Although, not what we hoped for or expected, extremely disappointing, and difficult we are healing, moving forward, and even talking about when we will open our home up again to love the next placement. We will go into it feeling stronger more prepared and love replenished. Thank you for your love, concern, tears, prayers, and support. We are doing well and we love you all.

Choose Your Song- One Year Later

One year ago I got a call about a 21 month old baby girl that needed to be moved from her current foster home. After about 1 minute I knew that she needed to be in my arms. In my home. Loved by my boys and hubs. In my community and church. I said 99% yes and then I called the hubs and he said yes. The next day we met our little fireball. Now here we are almost a month of not having those arms around my neck and all I have are love, memories, and pictures.

“You can’t choose your season but you can choose your song. It’s time to turn the page and fight the right fight.” – Carl Lentz

For 11 months I fought for her. I fought to get her into doctors, to get her into activities, and to have visits be safe. I fought to get her into school, to have her eating right, to have her voice heard. I fought with her over getting dressed, brushing teeth, getting buckled, or over being mean. I fought to have her in a safe home. But all of a sudden my fight is over and now what?

Some days are great, but some days have a gray cloud hanging over my head. I’m sure this is normal but I’m not a fan. That butterfly stomach, that 150lb weight on my shoulders, that unsettled feeling that I can’t put my finger on. The feeling that I’m forgetting someone when we leave the house or when I grab out 5 kids plates and need to put one back. Remembering the look on her face when we had to leave her. Her little voice screaming Mama, Dada. The way my heart felt shattered, they way it sneaks up on me and reminds me of the loss. Hearing my kids talk about missing her. Hearing my husband say he never wants to leave another child in the parking lot with a stranger to us. Most people don’t understand the foster system, so people constantly ask us oh did you adopt her? Where is she? They don’t realize all that goes on and how that’s not the main reason for foster care. My head always knew this all along but my mama’s lion heart (thanks Naomi) had a hard time remembering too. I have thoughts self-centered thoughts like will she remember me? Will she remember how much I loved her?  Will she remember how much we wanted her?  Will she understand we didn’t want her to leave? The panic questions like will she stay on the right path? Will she be safe? Will she grow up to be the woman I know she can be? There is nothing truely wrong with these questions but the problem is that none of them can be answered and therefore bring unrest instead of peace. Did I choose this season of pain? No, but I can choose my song.

I watched a powerful sermon by Carl Lentz at the LA Heaven Come conference that reminded me of somethings.

It was our story with her but now it’s her story. Now it’s a journey of faith and trust for us. The bottom line is it’s our obedience. I did my part to be the change in her life that she needed. Whether or not she remembers us, she knows who we are, or she knows the love and sacrifice that we gave her that’s not even the point. We were obedient to take her when she needed us to. When they called me one year ago, October 5, 2016, I didn’t know for how long but I knew that she was meant for us. Having fear or stress over this isn’t bringing me hope, love, peace, joy. So, although it’s VERY hard on my heart I am choosing my song and turning the page. Today my song is joy, thankfulness for being her mama. My song is trusting God that he has her heart too. My song is Hope. Hope that I will see her but even if I don’t her story is her own and we were there. We may just be a small part in her past and that’s ok. It’s not comfy but it’s ok and my page is turned. I might still cry my eyes out but I’m ok and she will be too. Nothing is going to slow me down from fighting the fight that is for me. It’s not to bring her back home to me but my new fight is to fight in prayer for protection and blessing over her. And my story is the song I sing through the pain.

Hebrews 12:1-5 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.

Moving forward

Empty bed, full heart.

Moving forward is hard. But that’s our job. Our job as a foster home is to create a stable loving home that feels like family. That’s what we did. The pain is the proof of that. Words can’t explain what my heart feels like. If you have seen a foster child leave your home you can understand. The pain that I feel is a mixture of pride for a job well done and pain with the loss. The job of loving her well has not been on my and Matts shoulders alone. My sons have shown unconditional love to a hurting little person who has pulled their hair, slapped and punched them, bit them, spit at them, rejected their hugs and kisses and screamed at them. Their resilience and commitment to loving her (and even moving forward to take another placement) shows me so much of what love is. They have reaped the reward as she has learned what love is and reciprocated those kisses, hugs, and I love you’s. They have watched a fighter turn into one who knows love and stability too. If you’ve seen them talk her down from a fit you would know how much they have stolen her heart. Reminding her to take a deep breath to calm herself, reasoning with her, giving her two appropriate choices, telling her they love her forever. I’m so proud of them. My extended family loving her so hard and showing so much grace. My entire church and community close and far, stepping in to shower her with gifts and hand me downs, the offers of babysitting, dinners, and especially the tears, concern, encouragement, and prayers. Thank you all. Job well done. But today I grieve.

For the past almost year I have documented, observed, watched, shared, every detail of this person’s life and now I have no idea how she’s doing. I have no idea what her room looks like or what she ate. I have no idea if she’s crying for me, her dad, or her brothers. I have no idea where she’s going to go to school. Basically I have spent so much time energy, money, thought, heart, loved and fed and loved and held, like I’m supposed to, and now it’s just supposed to end. It’s really strange. Being that I have four boys, it’s also hard to gauge how they’re feeling. I’m sure I will see some behavior issues and the next months with my little guys as a result of their heart not being able to communicate in words how much they miss her besides the occasional, “I wish G___ was still here.” And just when we get that settled down we will probably be ready to introduce a new adventure to our house.

As I drove away with my precious little thing crying for mama dada, my heart shattered into 1 million pieces but I had to stay strong, at least a little strong, for the other four kids in my car. Strong but vulnerable so they can see the loss but feel secure. The four kids that are my forever kids. The four kids that no one can take from me. One of my wise children at age 7 said that Faith is trusting. Today I find that so true. Today I have to have faith that there is a bigger plan from a good Father that I can’t see. A plan that includes her not living with me but still thriving. I pray that this plan includes me being a part of her life as Auntie Mama. A plan where she is a game changer, a voice, and an advocate in a place that I can’t reach. A plan so much bigger than what my heart can see. This is Faith. Thanks for lending your heart to journey with us. Well done and my heart is full from a heart of love. Love that cost me something.

Jeremiah 29:11 MSG I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

The whole Starlight Bethel Album has really been so good for me but this song keeps tearing up my heart.

24 hours

24 hours from now my girl will no longer be in our care. I definitely say our meaning my immediate family, extended family, and whole village. The love, support, and welcome that she has received has blessed us so much.

The pain was so great as we prepared to say see you later, that I questioned whether or not our family and community could do foster care again. But my hopes have been renewed through her comfort of me- go figure! Today as we packed her stuff, she would look at me and say are you crying mama? Don’t cry mama happy day. 😭 of course that would make me cry more but she’s right, her next adventure awaits her and so does ours.

#adventureawaits #fosterishard #fosterlove #fosterjourney #fostercare #lilmissmercy

When sleeping means waking up.

I’ve got that feeling tonight… the feeling when you are so tired but you don’t want to sleep because you dread what waking up means. It means tomorrow is a fun Blessing Party for missy miss but also it means I have only 2 more days with me as her mama. I hoping I will change to Auntie and by that I mean stay in her life forever. Tonight we told her she’d be sleeping somewhere else in a couple days. She asked if #browneyedbabyj would sleep there too, I told her no. Then she told me #levibrealitytv no sleep there. She told me a funny story about how dad told her that she needed to sleep in her bed not somewhere else. I told her it was the judge boss who decided, not us and that I wanted to keep her forever but that her relative really wanted her to sleep at her house now too. That the boss said she has to.

She didn’t talk after that. The lights were out after that and as I rocked her she wrapped her arms around me so tight and still until I could feel her silently crying. Then she grabbed my face and wiped my tears and fell asleep. It’s almost like she’s done this before and kinda understands. So young and so much ahead happened in her short life. It hurts.

I finished her huge photo album tonight but left out so much I wanted to say and 1,000 pictures I couldn’t fit. Finishing it made it seem so final. Marking termination of placement on a form felt so surreal. Picturing the future all I can see is her. She’s a fighter and has a bold voice. She has a servants heart and seeks justice. We’ll never be the same but I know we’ll be ok. Hope lives inside us. It lives in her now and it lives in me. Adventure awaits for both of us.

#fosteringishard #fostercare #fosterlove #fosterlife #lilmissmercy #loveyousomuch

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