Barf Badge

You get a badge if you are in Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Campfire Girls, Awana, or if you were brave in a real war. I feel like my motherhood has just reach a new place where I should get one of those badges of honor. Needless to say, our evening and day definitely didn’t go as planned. There was throwing up from 9:30pm- 11am. 5/6 family members barfing but I wasn’t one of them. It seems like a total miracle. I’m still on eggshells waiting to be the next victim. I was out of bed about 25 times. The hubs and the littlest got it the worst. The older 3 came at 5:00am, 6:00, and 6:45. The 5:00am barf was in his bed. He later told me that he purposely barfed in one spot so I “it would be easier for me to clean up.” Oh my gosh, so hilariously thoughtful from that 6 year old. The 6am was all over the floor between his room and the toilet. It went so far that I was cleaning up under a door to a closet. Wow. At that point I gave my 10 year old a bowl and I’m glad I did. Epic night with less sleep than any newborn disaster night I’ve experienced. It truthfully could have been worst.

On Tuesdays I get special time before I head off to the church staff meeting. The hubs takes all the kids to school and I get to have alone time to get ready as long as I want, spend time with the Lord, and even pluck my eyebrows. Some may read this and either think I’m being dramatic or be totally jealous. Haha. Anyhow, at 1:30am on the bathroom floor with my youngest and I was trying to not to think about how that special time was ruined. I was momentarily bummed, I look forward to the time all week, but then really grasped the honor of what I was doing. Sitting there on the cold floor holding my precious boy, I realized I was in the perfect spot. Sure my bed sounded much more cozy but the honor to hold him, comfort him, and clean him up took on a spiritual dimension. I got a glimpse of what I got to be for him in that moment. I got to be what I’ve always wanted to be and sometimes forget. Although he may not remember me being a human chair or carrying him and his barf bowl back to bed, he will remember what I carry as a mom. I have given him a love that nobody can take. I have given him comfort that he can carry with him and a deep sense of importance that I know he’ll give to others around him. I took him back to bed and as I tucked him and the Tupperware salad spinner into bed he looked at me and gave me everything back, “I love you mama.” I love you too, baby. That’s the badge I needed and nobody can take that away from me.

Shout out to my girl Auntie J, who brought these sickie staples to add to our sprite, graham crackers and bone broth. Love you!

Laundry

So, we have been back on the foster placement list since after Thanksgiving. It took a lot to work up to the moment when we said yes again but now surprisingly we haven’t had one call since then and here we are in 2018. The extra room became Santas workshop during the holidays, and as a result got a little trashed. The other day I went to work in there cleaning up and preparing for the ever present reality of a seventh entering our home at any time. Put all the Christmas wrapping paper away, swept it, tidied up, and then I noticed it. I noticed that in the laundry basket there was one last load of laundry from Little Miss Mercy. Then I looked on the dresser where I’ve kept all of her things that we found, all of her our projects that got handed to me, and her photo book that I made all in the hopes that I would see her again. That we would get to stay in her life. I took a big breath in, a breath of I’ve got you girl, my ways are higher than your ways. I scooped up all of her special stuff that I’ve been saving for the past four months and put it into the top shelf of the closet. I grab the laundry basket and washed her clothes as quick as I could, but not before I sniffed her sheets to see if I could smell one last lingering memory of her. My younger kids will say all the time that they can smell her. I wanted to see if I could too. But I sniffed and sniffed, like a weirdo, and it was gone. I pulled it out of the dryer yesterday. Maybe it was the fact that her mom let me talk to her last Friday for the first time in 4 months, maybe it’s the fact that it’s a new year, or maybe because I was encouraging myself with my letter board message (haha), but in these moments I felt strong. I felt ready for Love. Yes, a sting of pain but the hope that comes from trusting in the one that loves me.

I folded those sweet memories and put them in that empty room ready to make more. As ready as I can to face the next adventure knowing that all of our past placements are in His hands just as much as we are. And that’s the best place we can be!

“Because you are my helper, I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings.” Psalms‬ ‭63:7‬