When sleeping means waking up.

I’ve got that feeling tonight… the feeling when you are so tired but you don’t want to sleep because you dread what waking up means. It means tomorrow is a fun Blessing Party for missy miss but also it means I have only 2 more days with me as her mama. I hoping I will change to Auntie and by that I mean stay in her life forever. Tonight we told her she’d be sleeping somewhere else in a couple days. She asked if #browneyedbabyj would sleep there too, I told her no. Then she told me #levibrealitytv no sleep there. She told me a funny story about how dad told her that she needed to sleep in her bed not somewhere else. I told her it was the judge boss who decided, not us and that I wanted to keep her forever but that her relative really wanted her to sleep at her house now too. That the boss said she has to.

She didn’t talk after that. The lights were out after that and as I rocked her she wrapped her arms around me so tight and still until I could feel her silently crying. Then she grabbed my face and wiped my tears and fell asleep. It’s almost like she’s done this before and kinda understands. So young and so much ahead happened in her short life. It hurts.

I finished her huge photo album tonight but left out so much I wanted to say and 1,000 pictures I couldn’t fit. Finishing it made it seem so final. Marking termination of placement on a form felt so surreal. Picturing the future all I can see is her. She’s a fighter and has a bold voice. She has a servants heart and seeks justice. We’ll never be the same but I know we’ll be ok. Hope lives inside us. It lives in her now and it lives in me. Adventure awaits for both of us.

#fosteringishard #fostercare #fosterlove #fosterlife #lilmissmercy #loveyousomuch